What is it about the night that can bring such sorrow? What is it about the morning that gives such peace?
Nights are difficult for me. I barely sleep, sometimes I cry. Usually around 2AM I slip in to check on Maggie, giving her a gentle shake to ask if she feels alright, checking her blood glucose if she says she feels shaky (which is about 90% of the time). Then I lay in bed and toss and turn. I try to pray but most of the time I can only manage to clutch my rosary. I kiss the crucifix and try mightily to join my suffering to His. Words don’t come but I know He knows what I need. He understands.
Mornings are better. I can do something. I can manage this “thing” that has taken hold of my child. I can try at least. Sometimes I nap, because I am exhausted . . . and because there are other people awake to keep an eye on Maggie.
I am grieving —at least that’s what everyone tells me. It feels so selfish. What right do I have to be sad? To worry? Is not God in control? I know He is but still I ache.
I don’t know what it is about the morning, but I am grateful for the peace it brings. Even if only until the night.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Viv 06.20.08 at 11:48 am
Michele,
Sounds like grieving to me.
Just because diabetes is manageable does not mean that it is not difficult, especially in this transitioning phase.
I will join my prayers to yours on my sleepless nights.
Have you found a parents group to share with? or haven’t you had the energy yet?
You know how helpful our Catholic moms and homeschool groups have been. Is this any different? Perhaps something online would lead to some real life sharing.
Again, you are in my prayers,
Viv
Lissa 06.20.08 at 12:11 pm
Oh sweetheart. My heart goes out to you.
Remember, even Jesus wept in the garden. It’s ok to grieve. You’ve accepted the cup so gracefully.
darcee 06.20.08 at 12:52 pm
It sounds like grief to me as well. A child’s health and happiness are so close to a mother’s heart. It is a very natural experience to feel that sorrow when we know that everything isn’t perfect, even though we knew everything wouldn’t be perfect because life never is. I will keep you in my prayers.
Kimberlee 06.20.08 at 2:45 pm
Oh Michele, I’m sorry you are suffering so. It is so hard to have a child with a chronic illness, and stretches our mother’s hearts so. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. Is there any possibility of getting a service dog to help you ‘keep watch’ and allow you to get some sleep?
Cheryl 06.20.08 at 4:55 pm
I felt like that when I was grieving and waiting for my miscarriage to happen this past summer. In the morning I felt hopeful and had gratitude, but the nights were sad and I worried too much, so I thought. I will keep you and Maggie in my prayers.
Louise 06.20.08 at 5:25 pm
Dear Michele, This is so hard! My mother’s heart is aching for you. I will pray harder for you and Maggie, especially during sleepless nights (which are quite frequent for me). Much love.
Meredith 06.20.08 at 7:46 pm
Praying for more peaceful nights sweetie!
Cay 06.20.08 at 9:38 pm
(((HUGS))), Michele.
Keeping you and Maggie in my prayers.
Janice Laurence 06.20.08 at 11:32 pm
Michele,
I am new to your blog…stumbled onto it shortly after your daughter’s diagnoses. My family also went through this process, 7 years ago this July. My Grace was 4.5 then, and it was a devastating experience. Suddenly, we no longer knew how to take care of our daughter; there were all these doctors, nurses and dieticians who became the experts on our Grace. Her life, thus ours, became so rigid and unyeilding. The constant checks, needles, carb counting, strictly scheduled meal times and amounts. If I couldn’t hear Grace I would be worried that she was unconscious somewhere. I never realized how depressed I was until the following January. My sixth child was born and I was filled with joy, and it was then I realized how deeply I had fallen into darkness. I believe that you are experiencing grief right now, grief about many things. Grief for Maggie and all the sufferings and changes that have occurred in her life, grief for the changes that had to happen in your family life, grief because this doesn’t go away…But in time it gets easier. I don’t know what your clinic has told you about future treatments for Maggie, but after 5 years of injection therapy, we moved to an insulin pump for Grace. It is sooo freeing!! Life became almost normal again. Grace can eat when she wants and how much she wants. Her blood sugars are so much more stable. It is almost like normal life again. Anyway, I will be praying for all of your family and Maggie. I know this is a very hard time. But I know also that you will get through it. We mothers don’t want these children to believe that diabetes is going to take over their whole lives. God bless you and yours.
Margaret in Minnesota 06.21.08 at 9:15 am
My heart goes out to you & your little sweetie, Michele. I am saving a great big hug for you–and after that, another one. Can you wait a month to get it?
I love you, Dear. I very much understand the fears of the night and do you know? The Psalms are full of references to them. Our suffering makes NO SENSE right now but it will…one day. We must come to Jesus, as the song by Chris Rice goes, and cling to Him throughout the darkness.
Kristen Laurence 06.21.08 at 12:44 pm
Oh Michelle, how I can relate. I’ve been a diabetic since age six, and I know it was far more difficult on my parents than it was on me. I would love it if you would contact me. I have lived a very full, happy, active, healthy life and had a wonderful childhood. I don’t mind being diabetic one bit. Taking my shots and glucose testing are just part of my daily routine - like taking showers and eating.
I would love to help in any way I can. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
If your daughter has frequent low blood sugars, you might try reducing her insulin dose, one unit at a time. Don’t worry - you will find the right balance to keep her levels normal. God bless! I will pray for you both!
Alice Gunther 06.21.08 at 10:22 pm
Oh, Michele, this is so heartbreaking, yet beautiful in its way. I love you and pray for you.
You are one of the strongest people I know.
Jamie 06.22.08 at 1:22 am
Michele,
I, too, have been a diabetic since I was 10. My mother was a diabetic also since she was 24, so I grew up with it even before I became one. I have had 4 beautiful children and have also lived a full happy normal life. I have diabetes, but it does not have me. I have no complications, never have, my eyes are perfect, my kidneys are perfect, my heart, my blood pressure, everything!
Please contact me also. I have been always afraid of not waking up, but my angel has always awakened me for every low, trust in that. I am 38 now, that’s 28 years with type 1 diabetes.
My prayers are with you.
Jamie 06.22.08 at 1:38 am
You probably already know this, but bedtime snacks with protein will last through the night better. Yogurt is a good one, so is cereal with milk. Fruit will not last, she’ll have low blood sugar again. Milk works really really fast, and it’s better than sugar (sweet tarts) If she does not like milk, add chocolate ovaltine. I am just itching to talk to you. (this is only my like 2nd time here, so I barely know you!) my email is taustad9867@hotmail.com, email me and I will give you my phone number.
Karen Edmisten 06.22.08 at 9:07 am
Oh, Michele, it’s not selfish to grieve that your child has something so serious to deal with, and it affects you, too, so of course it’s hard and heartbreaking right now. And it’s better to grieve than to deny … And I know you already know this, but the clutching and the kissing of the crucifix are certainly prayers …. A hug for you, sweetie, as you all learn to live with this.
Renee 06.23.08 at 6:44 am
Michelle, weep and grieve for this is indeed a mother’s heart merely caring for her child. As a family going through health issues with my husband and his looming life saving operation in the future, we grieve alot for what used to be, but then we smile, and even laugh as we face the road ahead. We will keep your sweet Maggie, yourself and your family in our prayers. Hoping you get a little sunshine today, and lots of cuddles with your sweet daughter. God bless you all!
Nancy 06.23.08 at 9:42 am
I have stopped by to comment several times, never finding quite the right words,failing even now. You have reminded me that as I pray for my child in those moments, and many others that happen upon me without warning, I should remember to pray for the many moms and children dealing with this who do not know that they can lean heavily on the Lord and His Mother as I do and obviously you do as well. Thanks for sharing your toughts.
Jamie 06.23.08 at 7:52 pm
I just had to come back to say a couple more things! Being a diabetic, we are faced with trying to be perfect and not being so, like numbers, wanting them always between 80 and 120, yet they cannot alway be there. It’s ok. It’s ok if there is a high, it happens. Like Kristen said about lows during the night, I’d lower it 2 units and see how it is, if it’s too high in the morning, add back 1 unit. You will learn to trust yourself and just know what to do, as will she. Another thing to remember, if I sleep in, or don’t test until after 9am, my blood sugar rises, but if I test and eat right away, it is usually right on mark. That’s hormones, they make our blood sugar rise. Just a fyi.
Personally I do not like the pump, I prefer just testing and taking shots. I feel more in control. You can also re-use syringes…another trick. It’s only going into her skin, no way to pass anything. My box lasts a long time!!
It will get easier, I promise!
I remember getting very skinny, actually too skinny afterward and my hair thinned (all within a year and 1/2) but it evened out and I was healthy after that. (now after having babies, it’s the opposite:) Being a diabetic, doctors will tell you this too, will probably make her be much healthier than most of her friends, we eat healthy to live.
Sorry–to write so much, I just had to!
Love and blessings to you and her!
Walking is another thing they might have told you, or not. When diabetics walk, (even just a short walk to a park and back) your blood sugars will lower even up to 12 hours afterward. SO, if I walk somewhere in the morning, it effects my evening blood sugars, if I walk in the evening, it effects my morning blood sugars, as well as the immediate ones. Just something to keep in mind, as she is active.
Stephanie Zimmerman 06.24.08 at 2:11 pm
Keeping you in my prayers. Thanks so much for sharing this so beautifully. You can see how it has touched so many with all of the comments. God really does work through us all!
Melissa Bare 07.19.08 at 1:54 pm
Dear sister,
I cryed when reading this on your blog…
I pray for you and your family…you have endured so much at a very young age. It has made you so strong…stronger than our own mother and for that “all will be well.”
You have so much faith, you ask for that you will continue to recieve.
xxoo
Know that I love you very much.
MB